HOW TO SUPPORT GRIEVING PARENTS : 3 WAYS TO HELP AFTER PREGNANCY & INFANT LOSS
HOW TO SUPPORT GRIEVING PARENTS : 3 WAYS TO HELP AFTER PREGNANCY & INFANT LOSS
Life + Adversity
This article contains a trigger warning: child loss
With the advent of social media, we are used to seeing maternity pictures to announce the arrival of a beautiful and happy event. Unfortunately, it also happens that what was supposed to be the happiest day of a couple’s life becomes its worst nightmare.
The loss of a child is probably the most terrible ordeal that can happen to parents. Regardless of the age of the child, whatever the stage of the pregnancy, whether they were born or not, the parents will always suffer from the loss of that child because they should have existed. They should have been alive.
Numerous women have dealt with this painful experience. We might have a mother, a sister, an aunt, a cousin, a friend or a colleague who has suffered a miscarriage, a stillbirth or the loss of a child. Maybe you’re that person. It’s an immense pain you would never wish on anyone.
When Chrissy Teigen publicly shared the news of her stillborn child, she received a ton of negative, hurtful and extremely insensitive comments. Many criticized her choice to post a raw image of herself crying at the hospital after the loss, and accused her of "staging" that tragedy.
First of all, no one should tell anyone how they should grieve, but instead let people grieve their own way.
Talking about miscarriages and the loss of a child is important because most women suffer in silence and try to put a smile on their face to look ok, because it makes others uncomfortable otherwise.
Often, women are told to just forget in order to get better.
Forget the life that was in them and never got to meet.
Forget the little toes that never got to grow.
But you do not forget. This loss becomes a part of you, and it scars you forever.
No one should be shamed for sharing their experience. I am glad Chrissy did. It’s finally becoming something that’s “ok” to talk about publicly. By being brave enough to put this raw image in the spotlight, they (Chrissy & John Legend) are opening a very closed door for women. And they’re letting us know that it’s ok to talk about it. I hope that her openness will help thousands of women who remain silent normalize their loss and pain, and remove the stigma and shame surrounding it.
If we normally document and share pregnancy, labour and birth stories without a second thought, what’s wrong with documenting it when the baby has passed away?
“These angel babies have a name and their birth stories matter too.”
Caroline is the mom of an angel. She lost her son Joshua in June 2014 during her 39th week of pregnancy. After she received news that her son no longer had a heartbeat, she knew her life would change forever. Caroline’s grief journey was not easy. Her journey towards healing has led her to launch Parents of an Angel, a platform providing resources and support to grieving moms (and dads).
Today, she is sharing with us her testimony.
There’s a unique kind of pain that follows losing a baby. Parents have to re-plan the rest of their lives without their baby. While parents have to learn to come to terms with it, it’s a normal human reaction for friends and family to reach out, extend their condolences and say, “Let me know if you need anything.”
Here’s a harsh truth: as grieving parents, we don’t always know what we need. Instead of the politically correct blanket statement, “let me know if you need anything,” here are 3 other ways to help after pregnancy and infant loss.
1. Bring them food, often
When I lost my son at 39 weeks, my body still had to recover as if I delivered a living and breathing baby. I needed a few weeks to just physically feel like myself again. My best friend, Kimberly, brought us food. Lots of food. All the time. In the moment, I didn’t realize that I was too weak to grocery shop, let alone cook for my family. My parents stayed with my fiancé and me to help us through this hard time, but Kim took it upon herself to cook for all of us.
She realized that when we became grieving parents, our parents became grieving grandparents too. Feeding us was never something that I thought to ask for, but now it’s one of the things I’m most grateful for. Bringing groceries to the house and cooking a meal or three were some of the things I didn’t even know I needed help with.
2. Clean their house or hire a cleaning service
Similar to grocery shopping and cooking, cleaning was just something else I didn’t have the energy to do. I also didn’t think about asking anyone to help me with that either. I would just do what I could when I could. One day, my mom sent me to the spa and when I got home, our house was spotless. Coming home to a clean house was refreshing because it was one less thing for me to think about doing for a while.
Also, if you don’t feel comfortable cleaning their house yourself, offer to hire a cleaning service to take care of it for you.
3. Visit them
Sometimes, the best way to help grieving parents is to just hang out with them for a few hours. Looking back, I really enjoyed those moments because I could lose myself in laughter and happy thoughts for a while. One of my cousins told me that she was coming to my house every Sunday until I told her to stop. It gave me something to look forward to while I was on maternity leave. Some weeks, I just didn’t feel up to company and she understood. If you want to get something for grieving parents and you’re not sure what to give, give some of your time.
So if you ever want to help grieving parents after pregnancy and infant loss, cook food for them, clean for them, or just spend time with them. If you aren’t that close to the grieving parents, you can pick an act of kindness to show your love and support.
Testimony written by Caroline Jefferson andfeatured on Parents of an Angel.
You can join her facebook support group here
