Having anxiety is having to deal with your friends not understanding your space. It’s having to fake the mood to make it, it’s to be judged for being over-confident, It's dealing with Dissociation. At times, it's to be controlled in social environments, it's being highly selectively social. It's being an INFJ (Introvert, iNtuitive, Feeling, Judging) and un-understandable. Because I am tired of hearing that things would be different if I simply let it go. 

You won't understand because I am black. No, I am a black manic girl . I am not always magic. I am not always a strong black woman because I cry too. I do not always fit the stereotypes of my culture. I live in a generation where being mentally ill is ‘’cool.’’ Log in Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, everybody claim to be sad or anxious, a bunch of uninformed millennials. Little do they know, mental illness is not to be taken lightly. What we feel is different from typical sadness, there is more to it. 

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Having mental illness in the black community is considered a ‘’white people thing.” My people disregard anything mental as being a brat, not strong enough. It's hearing a brother or sister cry for help, commit suicide and disregard it. The black community, most particularly, our people who suffer mentally needs our support. If black lives matter, so is our mental health. It is not a “white people thing.” As strong as we are, as strong as we have to be; pain is subjective, but we matter too. 

You can't cure me. You can't neither heal me. My anxiety is not something that you can take a pill for and be healed, forever. It is not something that you can pray on and poof! It's gone. It's not something that you can simply say "everything will be okay, smile. It will pass," and it's gone. You have to understand that GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder) and OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder) are part of me, I can't just let it go. Your green smoothie, kale salad, sleep more or less, exercises, think positive, they are not a cure, at least, not forever. It's not about you, it's about what I am living. 

I can tell you having GAD is me constantly battling with my mind, worry about my future, doubting about the simplest things. I can tell you having OCD is not the typical cleaning freak because there is more to it than the stereotypes. I can't tell you why some of my triggers are realistic and some do not make any sense. But, I can confirm that I was raised in a very religious household and as a practicing Christian, I believe in God and mental illness is not some sort of voodooism nor satanic. 

I am a black girl. Black girl magic. But, I am not always magic. 

I do not want your pity. I do not feel pitiful. I am not ashamed. I am me, and I love every part of it. I am here for those who can't do it, for my fellow black queens and kings who are told they are insane and not enough. I am here to tell you that you are you, and they don't have to understand. Because I am not my illnesses, I simply suffer them. They don't define me. Again, you don't have to understand. 

Credit photo: Necole Mason 

Jennifer Mesidor is a 23 years old editor from Montreal, Canada. She writes when she is not editing. If she is not at the library, you can find her at the nearest pasta restaurant or the movies.

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