I’LL BE HONEST : I DID NOT EXPECT THIS
Or rather, I didn’t expect it to be this hard.
I knew this journey would involve taking a long look in the mirror to assess years’ worth of damage and coming up with steps to grow up and live a fulfilling life. That part is relatively easy compared to actually taking those steps. Even though I have integrated some wellness habits to my routine, the lies I have told myself for so long to avoid the beneficial yet uncomfortable choices for myself still affect my thoughts and actions to this very day. A great lie I’ve told myself over the years has to be about the big breakthrough or the ah-ha! moment, that instantaneous, powerful revelation in which you clearly see how you have brought harm to yourself that makes you completely turn your life around. Breakthroughs are certainly real, the part I’m having trouble with is what happens after, that 180-degree moment when making the best decisions are a breeze. I have read quite a few stories about people who had this moment of instant commitment before becoming successful, whether it was kicking a habit or working on their lifelong dream. Those stories made it sound so easy. And after years of self-blame, I can’t say this is part of my life.
I’ve only begun this healing process this year. While I’m willing to admit that no one’s life is perfect, there is something about mine that indicates that I have only presented a shell of myself to the world.
To make a long story short, I somehow decided long ago I wasn’t worth the effort that comes with fulfilling my dreams and just acted accordingly while simultaneously blaming myself for the lack of progress in my life. I had known for a long time things weren’t working out, and I was ready to go about living differently. Earlier this year, I decided that I would make small steps towards my wellbeing by instilling a small routine that involved water, meditation, and journaling. Even though I have since made progress here and there, I’m still having a great deal of difficulty showing up and being present for my life. I have life goals I would like to accomplish, but I know that means having some control over my daily decisions and letting my sense of duty take over. However, when my love of comfort wins, which is fairly often, my inner critic just screams at me, making my relationship with my own self even more contemptuous, because it believes this is easy and I’m only making it difficult on myself. Deep down, some part of me thinks there will come a day where I will get myself together and that making those hard decisions for my growth will be a breeze; however, I have somewhat convinced myself that one day in the future, this big breakthrough will come along and have me change my life. The intensity of said breakthrough will be such, that every seemingly hard decision will be made easy, without any effort on my part.
As I gradually move forward in this journey, I’m coming to realize this post-breakthrough, 180-degree moment may never come. It took a while to realize this but with the meditation, my mind has had room to somewhat process the things I do and why I do them. It seems like the breakthroughs actually do happen on a daily basis; they come to me quietly and swiftly. More importantly, they give me a conscious opportunity to commit and take responsibility for my life. Of course, some days are harder than others, especially as I’m trying to rein in that inner critic, but being my own enemy has not worked for me.
The truth is, while there are still remnants of hope of that pivotal moment, I would rather focus on being kind to my inner child while learning to be wholeheartedly present (for at least part of the day) and commit myself to performing daily actions reflecting my determination and belief in myself and my dreams.
Marie-Jude Salomon is a lifelong Montrealer who is currently pursuing her BFA in Acting. Her thing is cultivating her own peace, but she also loves sunrises and peppermint tea. You can find her on both Instagram and Twitter at @sheismariejude.